A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage