A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
