A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
