A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
