A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
