Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

emergency phone

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?