Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it