A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Every. Damn. Time.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]