A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
eggs benadryl
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Cinematography is my passion
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐