A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul