Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.