A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
You Might Also Like
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I might give this a try 😏
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.