A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The little toadstool has spoken.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”