a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
You Might Also Like
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
👽
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?