a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”