A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.