Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

how much for the angry fruit?

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

#Caturday

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.