A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster