A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
R.I.P.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.