A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My beach vacation Google searches
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store