A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
same energy
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*pronounces patio like ratio