A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.