A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.