A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
You Might Also Like
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.