Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.