Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”