Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

But is it really??

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Did a trash talking tree write this?

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.