Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

me hooking up with my ex

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.