@bonita_bish

A customer called and right away started yelling at the top of her lungs about something… I let her finish then happily told her she got the wrong number.

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@cloudypianos

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@Browtweaten

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

@joe_binkley

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

@BuckyIsotope

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

@tiReynard

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

@tonyhawk

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.