what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
A customer called and right away started yelling at the top of her lungs about something… I let her finish then happily told her she got the wrong number.
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
“Say hello to my knitted friend!”
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.