what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.