Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it