A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.