a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance