a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.