a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
You Might Also Like
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Venn
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.