a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
You Might Also Like
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
constantly working on myself.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.