a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
sign of the times 🖊
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Don’t snitch tag.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.