A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Breaking news:
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Unmatched
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”