A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
So the ex texted me
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.