A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
i really liked this one
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Grew big
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*