A customer told me they were never coming back….
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If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces