A customer told me they were never coming back….
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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back