A customer told me they were never coming back….
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
do u think theres a butter planet?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Great Canadian literature.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
choose your gary
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
😅😅😅
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Thrilling chase underway
