A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that