A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
i wish i could marry a nap
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
God making man in his image was the original selfie