A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I never needed anything more in my life
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.