Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

I saw this ending much differently.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.