a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Pat is about to own someone
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
me when I see my crush
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan