my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.
An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47!
I am fun at parties please invite me to them.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.
Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.