@electrolemon

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

@FU_TangClan

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@mcclure111

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

@chopper4jk

If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.

@Dustinkcouch

An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47!

I am fun at parties please invite me to them.

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.