A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
water it, i dare you
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered