A dad and his duck
You Might Also Like
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.