A dad and his duck
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Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.