A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients