A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I need to sieze this.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?