It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Not all heroes wear capes….
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
guilty
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Labreador
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes