A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Love it! 👍😂
they finally got him. they got macavity
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.