A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I am HOWLING at this
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Salad is the decaf of food.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away