Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

peeping toms

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Godspeed, John Glenn

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.