A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.