Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.