A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?