A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
What the hell happened here.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.