A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.