A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog