A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me trying to reach for my goals
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*updates tinder bio*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.