A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
shampoo implies shampee
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Its true…
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Am I having a stroke?
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.