A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming