A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.