A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn鈥檛 made into a game for children to play.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
馃槼馃槼馃槼鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍馃お馃お
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I鈥檝e fallen on some hard Times.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I鈥檓 don鈥檛 feel trying anything new, I鈥檒l just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sing it!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn鈥檛 just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Oh wow. It鈥檚 so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it鈥檚 at 2%?