I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him