A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Kids: Stay in school.
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.