A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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Meme Monday.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…