A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.