A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Eating for two.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
also my go-to takeaway order
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Orange cat behavior 😂
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)