A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
a badder mouse
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.