A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Did…did a minotaur write this
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
This is true.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now