A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I falcon love using swear birds
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…